So I have been watching tons of wedding and bride shows since I’ll be helping my best friend prepare for her big day by next year and I realized that I want to get married. I’ve always been so convinced that I didn’t want to be married or have a wedding but lately I feel almost disrespected and disappointed by myself for not being open to it before. Maybe it’s these hormones, but they’re doing something to me :/
I love you.
28 weeks my lovelies!
Not sure how to explain it. Well, Caiden is an active little bun in the oven this morning, and that makes me a happy camper :)
Have a phenomenal day dorks <3
Maybe I should listen to her. Hell she’s usually right about things like this, but I don’t want to. Perhaps it’s my youth that leaves me sitting here dealing with things I absolutely shouldn’t. But I love him. And love is not easy.
She tells me that he’s hiding something.
-He’s deformed.
-He’s married or has a family.
-He’s older/younger.
-He’s a convict or was imprisoned for something serious.
-I’m a toy and that he likes to play with.
-He is a cheater and has different women all the time.
-He’s traffics women and I am simply a victim.
The list continues to stretch. She’s worried. I know she is. But I can’t see ‘J’ being ANY of those things. He’s a simple man who has lived a complex life. That is all I see. I love him down to his soul. I love him past his looks, his past, what decisions he might have made. I love him for who he is with me. My ‘J’.
That’s pretty much how it works.
Some people say that dreams are you catching a glimpse of your subconscious mind, other’s say that they are premonitions. I’m not sure what they are.What I do know is that he’s been in most of my dreams these past few weeks. Dreams of holding him, kissing him, crying to him and even fighting with him. But every single one is beautiful. It’s sad that sometimes it feels as if that’s all he is. A dream. Other times I realize that’s the most I’ll ever get to see or touch him. In a dream, somewhere far away in my mind.
A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement, but because by being with that individual, we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves.
-Edgar Cayce
You never realize how much you’re falling apart until you’ve fallen.
At least that’s how it works for me most times.
It’s not until I’ve reached 7 months into the pregnancy that I’ve realized how much I didn’t and don’t love CJ’s father. I actually hate the idea of him having a say in my son’s life. He’s an idiot; absolute brute with not a single brain cell. He lacks ambition, goals, motivation, manners, common sense and the ability to rationalize a situation. He’s judgmental and feels the need to criticize and hand out empty advice at will, though it’s all useless and a waste of time. He giggles like a baby when he talks about his PIG of a father and how funny it is that his father is cheating on his wife with a young woman from DR. I am repulsed by him. What the hell is wrong with me? Where the hell was I, or where the hell did my brain go when I decided to lay down with this guy. It’s amazing how much I must have blinded myself. The only thing I do not regret is carrying Caiden. I feel bad for my son though. I hate that his father will be trash; good for nothing shit. And that’s my fault in part :\
Goodness give me strength, because I know I have a long battle ahead of me. I am going to have to protect Caiden from his own father, without taking him away. Give me strength because this battle is one I am going to have to fight until the very end :\
What makes it so sad, is that I see me and Caiden living a happy life with ‘J’, not his father. I wish things were different. But wishing and the reality of things are nowhere near close.
I COMPLETELY understand why pregnant women bitch and moan about their spouses going off and hanging out while we stay at home. I’ve been having some serious pain since yesterday and the father of my baby thought it’d be nice to fall asleep while I was struggling with the pain and then go out tonight with his friends and “family”. So he’s hanging out drinking Corona’s without considering that I didn’t go to my friends party because I feel awful.
Maybe this is awful of me to say, but I seriously wish he would have just stayed away. I don’t want to raise my son with him having any input. I want to just raise CJ all on my own, is that horrible? Is it horrible that when I think about going into labor or raising little Caiden I’m comforted by the thought of ‘J’ being there and not CJ’s dad? It actually upsets me when I think of him being there!!!
Maybe it’s hormonal like everyone is saying. Honestly, I feel like this… fuck hormones, fuck the father of my baby… I just want to up and leave everything behind. I just want to take Caiden and live a HAPPY and peaceful life somewhere else without all of this crap and all of these feelings. But it’s not about me anymore. My life from this point on revolves around CJ and just CJ. I’m already exhausted, lol.
It is so hard having to “share” my son with someone that I don’t love :(
I don’t like the idea of his father being able to take him places without me or being around him without me present.
This is VERY hard :\
Tee hee.
I love you CJ
Nom nom :)
Nom nom nom!!! This was about 2 weeks ago <3
So the father of the baby decided to send me a text with a “Great quote that he found”, lol. Turns out the quote was about soul mates and I had read it a few weeks back -.- I can’t explain how awkward that text made things, especially since I automatically thought of ‘J’! I could only respond with an “it’s cool”.
I’m not sure what he expects from me, but being with him is not on my agenda. I hate that he seems to have the idea that I should make decisions with him. Blah!!
On another note, I am officially apartment hunting :D I waited around for ‘J’ today, but he didn’t show and I had things to do. I wish he was a phone call away most times :\ I miss that man.
Goodnight from me and CJ <3
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